Guest Post by Patrick A. McGuire, running a bit of a ‘tude

Please pass this news along to your alleged friends, your imaginary buddies in high places and all those blowhard relatives who say they know somebody who knows somebody who could maybe get you a backstage pass to the next Air Supply concert.

Help me get the word out: I am lowering my speaking fee from $100,000 to $75,000 per speak.

I know, it’s crazy. But really, how much money do you need in this life before you disconnect from reality and strut around like you can pay your monthly mortgage or buy a hardback copy of the Baseball Encyclopedia?

Be apprised that my decision has little to do with the fact that, to date, I’ve had no $100,000 speaking gigs. This is an environmentally responsible decision—think of the green ink and paper saved by printing 25 per cent fewer $1 bills.

Yes, some cynics will say “You don’t get paid in cash, you idiot, and if you did, it wouldn’t be in $1 bills. They deposit the money electronically into your account.” To this I say “What is your point?”

My credentials as a speaker go without saying. I’ve been speaking my entire life — except for those rare times when I was forced at gun point to listen to somebody else. And I’ve got to tell you, some of the things I’ve said aren’t bad at all.

That’s because I have learned over the years to carefully think a few words ahead of opening my mouth so that my ululations are transpicuous, intelligible and apprehensible. My motto has always been “Two out of three aint bad and sometimes one out of three — except for transpicuous, whatever that means — will do the trick.”

Cynics may doubt that I have any specific or general area of expertise on which to base a talk for 75k or even 75¢. I laugh at this, especially the 75¢.

Suffice it to say that I have been here and I have been there. I have been around the block and I have crossed the street at the light (holding the crossing guard’s hand). I have been up to the attic and down to the basement. I have been in and I have been out. And except for a few scary moments when I’ve squinted at the bad man through my fingers, I’ve kept my eyes wide open.

The ultimate proof, of course, is in the pudding (anything but plum). So here are some of my more popular speaking topics — keeping in mind I’ve yet to actually write or deliver any of these speeches.

  • “Staring You In The Hind End.” If you’ll just open your eyes, brilliant ideas will bite you in the butt. Example: Twitter could increase profits by .0357 % simply by changing their maximum character count for tweets from 140 to 145 — which just happens to be an increase of .0357%
  • “Use your green head” Here I reveal how we can all reduce our carbon footprint by carrying little umpire brushes and/or wearing stilts.
  • “Pay your mortgage” Earn extra money for things like food, root canals and high speed internet by giving short, snappy speeches on just about any topic for $75,000 a pop. No experience necessary.
  • “First, get a million dollars.” Find out how easy it is to buy things with a million dollars. Need a hot tub? Two hot tubs? Non problemo. Need another 2,000 coffee mugs? Need a double-wide? Want friends? Just write a check. (Warning: checkbook, million dollars and reading/writing abilities required.) This is 100% environmentally safe. No need to kill a million trees for your million dollars as it will just be an ever-diminishing number in your bank account.

For a limited time only, buy one of these speaking engagements and get one free.*

If you call me in the next ten minutes you will receive, absolutely free, a recorded reading of the famous Zimmerman Telegram of January 19, 1917, from German Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmermann to the German Embassy in Mexico City.**

*Same speech, same location, same audience. Void in North Dakota and Birminghampton, N.Y.

**Telegram is in code. Have fun.


Patrick A. McGuire, Bloggonian

For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks’ vow of silence means they can’t laugh. I can’t even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

Originally published: a hint of light

See other related/satire pieces by Wali:

Pakistanis celebrate political Father’s Day on Twitter

Taaq raat and 19 suspended MQM leaders

Tahirul Qadri: Time to fly for green revolution in Brazil

No. Australia won’t let you in if you think: Oh, it’s only 10-hour fast there

MH370 apology: Technology is so overrated!

What is the connection between Labour defeat in UK and PTI? Twitter tells us

Does Nawaz Sharif exist on Twitter? No

  • Patrick

    Thank’s again Wali for re-blogging this post on your site. You are a gentleman and a scholar and quite possibly the King of Lichtenstein. Well, maybe not QUITE possibly. Maybe just possibly. I’ll get back to you on that.

    • Wali Zahid

      Your comment is another reason to laugh, Pat

  • Khurrum

    Hats off to you Sir, I really mis-understood you or rather under estimated you. Sir believe you me your blogs are quite unique and astonishing. But I am so unfortunate, that I couldn’t able to see you talking. I really want to hear you, if I find you on a You tube.

    There are some big Pakistani English speakers like Zia Mohiuddin, Talat Hussain, Rahat Kazmi, Naeem Bukhari, & Imran Khan. But these are all celebrities for some reason. I missed out a lot from new leads, purpose fully, because of less exposure, but they are good as well, mostly from Karachi & Lahore, of course.

    On the top Quadi-e-Azam, I think English people would know him better, if they really understood him, well.

    • Wali Zahid

      Thanks Khurrum.

      This is a satire post, not by me, but by an American humorist.